Why Mommy Guilt is like a Drive By Shooting

My son is just a week shy of 6 months.

 And guess what, The Switch has happened. 

The Switch you ask? 

YES! The glorious switch from simply Milk Supply to Mommy. 

I don't know exactly when it happened, but it was right around the time I helped my baby through his very first ear infection, (which consisted of 4 trips to the pediatrician, two different medications, and a full blown body rash due to an allergic reaction.) Freaking wonderful. However, now on the other side of that damned childhood curse, I find that he lights up even brighter when I walk into a room, he reaches for me when I am close enough, he does that cute open mouthed "I'm going to eat your face off" type of kissing babies do, and pretty much loses his mind whenever we play together. 

It. Is. Awesome. 

I. LOVE. it.

Of course don't mistake me, Robert is still his best friend...by a long shot... it's so obvious... but I am MOMMY, which pretty much makes me a superhero. 

 And yet, I have come to discover that if there is one sure fire nemesis to Mommy Superherodom, it is the dreaded "Mommy Guilt." Our very own Kryptonite.

But I have also discovered something else...

"Mommy Guilt" exists because we, as mothers, hurl it on one another. We do the perpetuating.

Like a drive by shooting, we take to the blog world (Hello!), and social media, and do our own drive by guilting, perhaps, without even realizing it. 

And you know what, we are killing ourselves; and killing one another's confidence in the process.

Let's be real, being a parent is HARD ENOUGH on it's own without feeling the pressure of so many opinions on top of it. And the clincher is that it starts before you are even a PARENT!!

"Why don't you have children yet?"

"Don't you feel like that is a little selfish?"

"When are you planning to get pregnant?"

"Natural or Medicated?"

"Vaccines, no vaccines?"

"Breast milk or formula?"

"Cry it out or coddle?"

"Public, Private, or Home School?"

Honestly, I could keep going.

I can remember vividly the first time I experienced that shameful Mommy Guilting. I was pregnant...newly pregnant...and I was asked what type of birth I wanted to have.

Me: "You know...I think I would really like to try giving birth naturally."

Friend: "...Why?"

Me: "Um.. I don't really have a set reason, it's just a preference."

Friend: "Is...it, like, something you need to prove to yourself?"

Me: "No, not at all."

Friend: "Hm."

Annnnnd Shame.

 I am 100% sure that she never, in her wildest dreams, meant to hurt, shame, or offend me, but because it has become such common place to have the "right" to share our opinions, it happened regardless...

 Perhaps it is because I am Doula, or work in the realm of pregnancy in general, but it seems like I am constantly questioned about my pregnancy and parenting preferences and choices, and why I do or don't do certain things, or why I feel or don't feel certain ways. And truthfully, I love giving MY opinions and MY advice, but that is just the thing, they are MINE...opinions and advice that are now ONLY given when asked, and come with the very serious preface that they are free of judgement and that they do not fit every child. 

::gasp!::

See, in my arrogance, prior to becoming a parent, I had an opinion about everything. I swore up and down that I would (or would not) do X,Y, and Z...told women why you should or should not do this or that, and you know what I discovered: Some things sound great in theory, and are terrible in practice. 

And I also discovered, that I lended to the guilting of many a mother in the process.

TRUTH.

Parenthood is about grace upon grace (for YOURSELF) and as much humility as you can muster. It is perfectly ok to have your opinions, and even admirable to have done your research on said opinions...but please remember they are YOURS, and it is ok if others do not agree with you.  

Furthermore, Mothers, can we please refrain from flagrantly flouting our opinions in open forums like facebook, twitter, and other social media sites? It's just...poor practice. We, as mommies, need as much encouragement and confidence as we can get...especially from one another. 

Caring for a HUMAN, nay, being solely responsible for a human, is hard hard work. It is beautiful and crippling all at the same time.

So please, have your opinions, give your perspectives, but please PLEASE do it respectfully.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." 1 Cor. 13:1

Snugs out.  

A Pilgrim's....Progress...

Pilgrim: 
-From the Latin peregrinus
-A traveler (literally one who has come from afar) who is on a journey to a holy place.

In a sense, we are all travelers... but we are not all Pilgrims. Every single one of us is on a journey, but the destination has the potential to be vastly different. As a professing Christian, I'd love to tell you that I am secure in my destination; no ifs, ands, or buts about it. But it's a struggle. Even today I found myself asking to which camp I belonged. Am I merely on a journey, or am I on a journey to a holy place?

When we aren't careful, many of us (myself included) have the capacity...and dare I say tendency...to trade in holy for habit; Truth for trinket. Christianity becomes nothing more than a masquerade. We dress up, raise a glass to life and to each another, and continuously put on one colorfully ornate mask after another. Some of us hide behind our wit. Some, behind our intellect and achievements, and some even behind Christianity itself. My mask, for example, is decorated with my abilities, my wisdom, and my moral compass. When wearing my mask, I have the capacity to pick myself up by my bootstraps, drum up some sage advice for many an occasion, and say and do all the right things in order to fool only myself into thinking I am at a place in life, that I am actually not. My mask is heavy... but despite that fact, I wear it often.

Consider the above picture. It's unsettling isn't it? But you see, no matter how ornate, no matter how beautiful the mask, this is what the real masquerade looks like. 

We are so terrified to remove our masks, aren't we? So afraid to let our real selves be seen, to let our real selves breath. If people saw the REAL me, the me that was still in progress, how could they possibly love that mess? But therein lies the deception. Christ died for the REAL me. Christ died for the messy me. In fact, Christ became my mess in order that I would no longer be trapped in it. More so, Christ became my mess, my sin, in order that I might ultimately be freed from it. Even when typing that sentence I draw in a deep breath. So, when I wear my porcelain shell; the one I think people want, all I am really doing is preventing people from seeing Christ's work in me. Yes, the work that is STILL in progress.

So, even knowing that Truth, why am I so tempted to reach for my colorful habit? I think today I realized it is because I do not trust my true face; my true identity. I don't think it's enough. I don't trust that MY identity says that not only am I on a journey to a holy place, but MY identity says that once I reach my destination, I too will be made holy as He is holy. The work has already been done, now it's just a matter of becoming what I am already destined to be. But It doesn't seem right. Shouldn't I have to DO more? 

Allow me to digress into nature for a second. Nature provides a beautiful example of the discrepancy between who we appear to be and who we truly are. Think about a caterpillar. By all appearances a caterpillar is slow....unattractive...lumpy...but not according to its DNA. According to its DNA, the true identity of that lumpy mess that we see before us by every scientific test possible, including the test of its DNA, is actually a gorgeous butterfly through and through. This creature, looking nothing like a butterfly is, in fact, 100% just that! It is on a journey to a destination that it hasn't yet reached. But one day it will. And every day in between, a maturing process is taking place. One day that caterpillar will display every characteristic and attribute of the butterfly identity it already possesses. How beautiful is that?

And the same is true of us. If Christ is our savior, then the same is true of us.

So...what mask do you wear? Which identity are you tempted to parade? What does your REAL face look like?

I'll show you mine if you show me your's? Actually, scratch that. I'm working to show you mine regardless. But it sure would be nice to get a glimpse of the You you already are.

"Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator."

- Colossians 3:9-10

The Bug, The Itch, The Frustration

Does anyone mind if I vent for a second?

I guess I'm not really giving you a choice in the matter since I'm the one blogging here haha, but none the less I just wanted to ask.

See, I have always had a love/hate relationship with social media (says the girl with the blog) but seriously, it's true. As we all know too well, social media can sometimes create this false version of reality. One where we all look perfect in every picture, only post the most amazing adventures, wittiest quips, and allow others to voyeur in our lives... or at least the version of our lives we are willing to share.

I find myself in such a place today.

Lately, I have had this itch...this bug...

to travel.

to adventure.

to bask in the discoveries of some little corner of the world. Just me and The Man.

 And here I am on one such social media site voyuering in on old friends and drooling over the amazing travel they are partaking in. 

How do they do it!? 

How do they just pick up and go!? 

Do they save and save and save, or just throw caution to the wind and figure it out as they go?? 

These are the questions that plague me today.
In fact, this is a frustration and an area in my heart I have struggled with often; comparing my "back stage" parts of life to everyone else's "highlight reel."
Does that make sense? Am I alone in this?
Honestly, it's a very dangerous game one plays with themselves, because it creates in you a deep discontent with where you are. It makes you feel like you should be doing more, or should be making more, or living life more, and everything around you tells you that that is 100% true.
Is that too vulnerable for a blog?
Ugh, whatever, who cares if it is. That's the point of a blog right? And I always want to be honest...

I think the real thing is with the unexpected busyness this season has brought, and the busyness that I know is on the horizon, I find myself just longing for some alone time for Robert and I; a time and place where him and I can get away and experience something...or some place...new together. You know what I mean?
There is just nothing better than adventuring with your best friend.
.......................................

One of the best adventures him and I have shared together was our honeymoon. We had a very unique courtship/engagement; most of which was spent long distance. Which is romantic and hard all at the same time. So, when we got married, and were finally in the same place at the same time for good, we purposed ourselves to have a long honeymoon together. 

We spent one week in Paris (I. KNOW.) and one week driving up the coast of California. 

Today I find myself daydreaming of that trip.

 And wanting to plot our next one...

[deep breath]

...So, until then...

 XO

Snugs

The Radical.

WWW.KINGJESUS.REALITYLA.COM

"But who do YOU say I am?" -Jesus

"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Nobody comes to the Father except through me."

- John 14:6

The Act.

The Man and I live in the strangest city.

From where I sit...literally...I am overhearing the faux cheers and applause of a casting session for a

movie that may or may not get scrapped before it even sees the light of day.

An actress, known best for leather unitards and royal diaries sits in the next room. Her hard exterior gives way to the slight cracks that only one can see if they are reeeeally looking...gaping as most do. She is just a little girl; slight in stature at best; vulnerable yet guarded all at the same time.

Sort of like Lady Los Angeles herself.

L.A. often times just seems like one giant costume change.

Fads come and go. People are loved and hated all in the course of one weekend. 

We are transient in every way.

And want to know the worst part of it all?

I find that my demeanor has changed too today. Suddenly, I find it harder to make eye contact. My laughter, slightly more nervous.

Suddenly I care simply because someone...or culture...tells me I should.

Costumes and masks. Smoke and mirrors.

We all act. 

Some of us just get paid for it.

A Slice of Humble Pie

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not lack." -Psalm 23:1

Before I even begin, it's important for me to note that this is not something I would normally publicize.

Too often, do I find myself more jaded and cynical than I would like to admit that I am. 

[Can I get an AMEN!?]

Yet, it is in those times, and in those moments, that Jesus-in His loving, merciful manner- quietly reminds me that He is my Shepherd, I am His Sheep, and I shall never lack.

Case-And-Point

.........

 The Man and I have spent a larger portion of this year unemployed to one degree or another. He has been given steady, yet in a way sporadic, work as a art assistant and set designer, while I have juggled a multitude of part time jobs providing us just enough income to squeak by month to month. 

That doesn't bother us.

It is in those moments where funds are running low, the milk in the fridge has clearly gone awry, rent is right around the corner, and thank you LA City Parking for the two glorious new parking tickets, that I begin to hyperventilate, turn red, stomp my feet, and exclaim in my 3 year old self that surely this will be the moment when Jesus stops loving me and doesn't come through.

Forget the time that we had to shell out $350 for The Man's car and an unexpected paycheck for...$350...came through the same day. Or how about the time when The Man prayed for work and [literally] in the middle of our prayers, a friend called him for a job. Or what about the time that I decided to clean out my work bag after 2 weeks of not touching it and found an anonymous envelope addressed to us with $200 cash enclosed in it...the very amount we needed for an outstanding bill?

Did I mention I was sheep? Just a dumb, stubborn, sheep...far too willing to pull the wool over my own eyes.

Well...today I find mysef in the same story line I have been in so many times before. We are low in funds, and the man hasn't been given work in over a month (it's the slow season for the entertainment business). 

And what do I do?

Panic, of course.

It's funny because last night, just before bed, The Man laid down and began reading to me out of a book about prayer. The particular chapter was focusing on the Lord's prayer:

"Our Father who art in Heaven, 

hallowed be thy name...

...

...give us this day our daily bread..."

If we are honest, we have our daily bread. If I opened up our refrigerator right now and showed you it's insides, you would find bread. It was then, last night, while focusing on that line alone, that I realized how small my faith truly is, and how quick I am to think that God has forgotten about me. So, last night, just before drifting to sleep, I prayed a simple prayer:

"God...please...please just change me." 

This morning, The Man woke to 3 days of work.

...But there was a problem...

The three days of work (of course) fell on the exact days that both of us will be in a wedding. 

While wrestling through the different options, disagreements arose, tempers flared, and I found my stubborn sheep self digging my...hoofs?...in in an attempt to prove my point(s) to him. 

Finally, emotions calmed, forgiveness was asked of and given, and just as The Man opened up our front door to head out for a run...

An envelope fell inside.

Anonymous.

Filled with just the amount we needed for today's "bread."

And no. I am not kidding.

Thank you Jesus that you are the good Shepherd. Thank you that you have called me your own.

Thank you Lord that you never fail.

You always feed me...

Even when it is a simple slice of humble pie.

July 5, 2006 Rockbridge, Virginia

J U L Y  5, 2 0 0 6

BEST RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER KNOWN

-THOUGH HE HAS ALWAYS KNOWN ME

Thoughts & Meditations

"Lift up your eyes on high and see who has created these stars, The One who leads forth their host by number, He calls them all by name; because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power, not one of them is missing. Why do you say O Jacob, and assert, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the LORD, and the justice due me escapes the notice of my God?' Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."

- Isaiah 40:26-31

The Man sent me these verses this morning, and they couldn't be more appropriate. I suppose that's the beauty of the Bible though. It never tires, it never withholds, it's still relevant. It truly is alive. During this season, I have been/am still being stripped of all that is comfortable; of all that is familiar; in order that I might know HIM more steadfastly. In the midst, sometimes it feels as though I am hidden from the Lord's sight....or He has hidden Himself from mine. but just as I want to settle on the lie, He reminds me of His Truth. 

His understanding is inscrutable.

Thoughts & Meditations

"For consider your calling brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly

standards, not many were powerful, not many many were of noble birth.

But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak

in the world to shame the strong. God chose what is low and despised in the world, even

things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human

being might boast in the presence of God. And because of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who 

became to us wisdom form God, righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, so that,

as it is written, 'Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

- 1 Corinthians 1: 26-31

How quick I am to boast in my own wisdom, power, or strength; as if everything that I possess wasn't first given and gifted to me by God. Often times I feel God uses my own foolishness in thinking I'm wise, my own weakness that I confuse for strength, my own nothing that I deem as something, to bring me to my knees and remind me that it is because of Him that I am even in Jesus at all. My prayer: Lord convince my flesh of it's weakness, my own wisdom of it's folly, and may whatever is powerful in me be marked by meakness, that I might understand what it means to solely boast in Christ alone, and Jesus Christ crucified.